"my knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil."

I once went out on a date with this guy. I didn't want to go but I was doing my best to be optimistic. 

Cause apparently being negative is frowned upon.

The date was based on a bet we made that he could beat me at some arcade type game. (the bet was loser buys dinner) So we joke about it for a week or so and of course I am playing up my skill of the game, which actually is nonexistent, until we finally pick a night to go. So he picks me up and not even two minutes into the car ride there, I realize that the only thing we actually have to talk about is the stupid bet. So we go, play and shocking... I lose. 

So he picks a place to go for dinner and it's no McDonalds. So we continue that mediocre and painfully forced conversation. I order a beer and a small appetizer, you know you don't want to be the girl that pigged out on the first date... which is also frowned up.

He orders himself a jager and redbull, which should have been my first clue to make my way into the ladies room and out the bathroom window. Then he proceeds to order a fairly expensive steak dinner because he just "loves himself some steak". His words, not mine.

*Small side note: Most of our conversation consisted of his love of food. Which was extremely creepy. Dude, I get it. You like food. Like a lot. But listening to you talk about the 4 egg, 3 sausage, 4 pieces of toast and 8 pancakes you scarfed down at breakfast is actually making me throw up in my mouth a little... which could have partly been because you were drooling a little while talking about it. 

Anyway. So we eat and get the bill. I of course reach for it, because all us women know we will be judged tremendously if we don't do the courteous reach. But I  also did it  because I lost the bet. I am a good sport and will always follow through if I lose. But I thought, eh, this guy isn't going to actually make me pay for our dinner on our first date. 

Ohh but not only did he let me pay for dinner, he let me pay for his STEAK DINNER and JAGER REDBULL... 

So I bring out my credit card and place it with the bill and am literally flagging down our waitress so I can get the hell out of there. 

So we drive home, he pulls up to my house and I go to give him a hug and thank him for.......well, not sure what I was planning on thanking him for considering I spent MY ENTIRE life savings on his meal. But before I could even get the words out he grabs my face and kisses me. REALLY?!

At what point during the night do you think he thought "Ya, I totally got this one.. best date ever". 

I want to say it was between practically having an orgasm while talking about his breakfast and ordering that drink I thought only douchey frat boys drank at house parties.

Either way he thought this was a good date. I repeat, he thought this was a good date. 


The next day he asked when we were going to hang out again. 


I realized there is no polite way to say, "I wouldn't hang out with you if we were the last two people on earth"

And my mother wonders why I think I'm going to die alone.