It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

Men want what they can’t have.

Fact.

Which pretty much puts them in the same category as children. Which is a whole other topic I will eventually get to.

Just not today.

Because I’m about to talk about sex and it makes me feel dirty inside talking about children and sex in the same post.

Wow, this just got really awkward.

Moving on.

Men like sex.

Another fact.

I have a feeling if it were up to them they would be able to spend their days sitting on the couch in their underwear, watching sports, with a beer in one hand and a boob in the other. And the only energy they would ever exert would be getting their penis out of their boxer shorts and into the closest woman possible.

Why do I feel like I just summed up my last relationship?

Have you ever noticed that you mention to word “sex” and a man can literally stop before you get the entire word out and you can have his full and undivided attention?

Which is pretty much the only time you will ever has his undivided attention.

I used to judge other women when they would talk about using sex as leverage in their relationships.

You know, because that isn’t what you should be doing in a meaningful and healthy relationship.

That was until one time I walked in on a boyfriend jerking off to what I’m pretty sure was porn involving animals and realized that there is no such thing as “meaningful and healthy”.

Now, all I think about is what I could get in return for sex.

And I know what you are thinking, but it’s totally not the same as prostitution.

Okay, maybe a little.

Don’t judge me.

Fuck.

Now all I can think about is animal porn and prostitution.

That and it’s probably time for me to raise my standards a little.

My wildly smart and insanely humorous post about men wanting what they can’t have will have to wait.

I know, I’m just one big disappointment.

If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?

You ever have those mornings where you wake and up and wonder what the hell happened the night before and how you ended up in bed with someone?

You literally sit with your friends and beg for them to give you any details they can recall. It usually ends with them laughing hysterically at your drunken actions and you sitting there with your head in your hands swearing you will never drink again. Ever.

One night a guy I knew from work had met up with my friends and I at a bar. Mistake number one was not telling him the wrong bar in the first place.

He was one of those guys that sends you a text and if you don’t respond within ten minutes he sends you one with “??? Did you get my last text?”

Not only is that annoying it’s just plain pathetic.

But I thought, what the hell. He made me laugh and I knew nothing would ever happen.

Clearly, I’m a moron.

My friends call me the “Make-out bandit”. Get a few drinks in me and I lock lips with the next single bachelor in sight.

Well, most of the time they’re single.

We can touch on that another time.

So we meet up, he buys me a drink and we make small talk. You know, typical for this sort of thing.

Except that he keeps talking.

And talking.

And talking.

And talking.

What the fuck? Didn’t his mother teach him the proper bar etiquette? 

Apparently not.

First of all, I can’t fucking hear you.

Second, I’m not actually adding to the conversation which should be your first hint to stop talking.

Third, you need a tic-tac.

You are probably wondering why I continued to talk to this guy.

Well, I’ll tell you.

He always had a drink in my hand and pretty much every guy in the bar saw him staring deep into my eyes and following me everywhere I went.

Even to the bathroom.

Therefore cock blocking me for the rest of the night.

So I figured what the hell, free booze.

So I continued to drink.

A lot.

Like 284 beers.

I’m gonna be honest here, not sure how we ended up at my house.

But there we were.

Naked.

In my bed.

When I find myself in these situations I do what any normal American girl would do.

I go downtown.

If anything else, it’s practice.

So I start to do my business.

He was silent.

SILENT.

Sure, at the bar he can’t shut his trap, but here while I’m working it out he finds this the time to be quiet.

And I know what you are all thinking. Maybe I just suck.

But I don’t.

In fact, at the end of this post will be a list of names and numbers. Feel free to call and check my references.

Anyway, back to the silence.

I think to myself, well clearly he isn’t into this and I don’t have this thing in my mouth for my health so I move up.

Here is where the creepiness begins.

We are doing it. And it kinda sucked. But he is already in there so I might as well keep going.

And he is literally looking in my eyes and asks me over and over again if I’m okay.

“Are you okay?”

“How are you doing?”

“Is this good?”

“Are you okay?”

I wondered if this was his version of dirty talk.

It might not have even been him creepily asking me if I was okay, but the staring into my eyes. Why do men insist on looking at me during sex?

Dude, if I can see your face it makes it that much harder to fantasize about Bradley Cooper.

So about halfway through our clear lovemaking sesh, I did the unthinkable.

I lightly pushed him off, sat up, and left the room.

Without saying a word.

I know, this makes me heartless. A heartless whore.

So after about 10 minutes I open the door slightly praying that he might have gotten the hint and left.

Nope, still there.

Fuck.

So I climb back into bed and the poor schmuck acts like he didn’t just have a girl walk out on him mid-bone. So he continues the conversation we were having at the bar.

Not that I remember what that conversation was considering I stopped listening to him about halfway through.

I have never wanted to stab someone more in my life.

I finally turned over, looked at him and asked very politely, “Can you please stop talking?” and then rolled back over and fell asleep.

He left at a fairly decent hour and figured after a night like that it was a sure thing I wouldn’t hear from him ever again.

I’m never that lucky.

He texted me the next day with “I had fun last night. We definitely have to hang again”.

Which part of that night was fun?

When I stopped having sex with you? Or when I told you to shut up?

I never really responded to him after that. I did see him out a few times but managed to ignore him for the most part.

Now, I will randomly get texts from him. Of course I read them all out loud to my girlfriends and we all get in a good laugh.

But I’m pretty sure they are laughing at me.

Not with me. 

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

All men are the same.

No, seriously. The same.

Anytime the the topic of sex and marriage comes up men always roll their eyes and make some comment about how sex is nonexistent in terms on marriage.

It doesn't matter if they are married or single. Divorced or widowed. Gay or straight.

Same response.

Which let me just say, why do single men even comment?

You don't know what the fuck you are talking about.

And as far as I'm concerned, like children, men should be seen not heard.

Anyway, back to this this sexless marriage that men are so convinced ALWAYS happens.

My favorite part about it is whenever they say it, they always come in really close and look at you in the eyes with this serious stare, like it's some scientific fact. And clearly I am a fool for ever doubting it.

Part of me wants to get ALL the women in this world to come together and actually stop having sex with their husbands.

That way, at least if we have to listen to men go on and on about how sad they are for their lack of sex, it can be ACTUAL truth.

But let's get serious here for second.

Are men really that retarded?

Okay silly question.

They are.

I think what gets me is that it's never their fault.

I mean, obviously women don't actually like sex they just do it in order to trick men into thinking they like it, just so they can trap them into a sexless marriage.

Sorry ladies, the cat is out of the bag!

What a joke.

Seriously, if any women isn't having sex with their husbands it's probably because he stopped being good in bed.

Bottom line: men are retarded

Sorry, I can't help it.

Okay, real bottom line: Men, turn off the porn and step up your game.

What is worse than having no sex?

Having boring, lazy sex.

So next time you go to open your mouth to complain about it or comment on it... think back to the last time you gave your lady a mind blowing orgasm.

I feel like most of you won't even be able to remember.

Ladies, you're welcome.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Douche Bag: |a| - someone who;; talks shit, starts shit, wont finish their shit, and the end of the day still thinks they own the universe.
closely related to;; Asshole. 
*Courtesy of Urban Dictionary.


I bet every person who read that envisioned someone they know. Man, makes my heart feel good. 


Okay, so I have little tolerance for men in general. Tack on someone who thinks he is God's gift to the earth and it pushes me that much further to carry a gun in my purse and personally take out every single one of those motherfuckers (sorry mom)


I feel like they should issue a warning for every douche you have to come in contact with. You know, like those signs for pregnant women not to drink for cause of birth defects. 


"Warning, coming in contact with a Douche might cause sudden rage, confusion and complete loss of hope in the male gender."


Come on, if you have to warn a pregnant chick not to consume alcohol, shouldn't we be warned as well?


I mean, it's only fair.


The worst part of it all is that every group of guys has at least one. Even though secretly we hope that this group of guys will be the one exception to the rule.


This is the only instance in life where there are NO EXCEPTIONS.


It doesn't take much to point out the douche of the pack. In case you haven't been educated, here are a few simple tips to spotting one from a mile away. 


and of course running in the opposite direction. 


1. The guy who never looks you in the eye when you are talking. Look, I know I'm short but is it really necessary for you to look over my head and into the crowd in the middle of our conversation? Especially when YOU asked ME a fucking question. 
2. If he has introduced himself to you more than twice. Don't act like you meet that many people that you don't remember meeting me the last 10 times we were out. Although, maybe it is easier for me to remember you considering the fact that you have worn that same shirt EVERY TIME I've seen you. 
3. If he talks about one of his sexual encounters and then tries to high five you after. First of all dude, do I look like one of your buddies. Second, you're an idiot.
4. If you walk into his bathroom and there is a stack of magazines sitting on the counter and the one on top is of a half naked woman. Last time I checked you weren't a prepubescent teenage boy in need of getting his jollies off in the bathroom. And seriously, it's called the internet. Tons of free porn on there. Google it. 
5. If a guy asks you to rate your hatred for him on a scale from 1-10. I already told you it was a 7. Calling me the next day to ask if that number has decreased only makes me want to raise it up. 


This list could go on and on.


Which saddens me deeply. 


Consider yourself warned. And please, feel free to print, laminate and carry around those tips in case you need a refresher. 


As I'm sure you will.

They keep saying the right person will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck.

I once hooked up with guy who laughed like a bird. Like, constricted neck, head tilted up, full on bird laugh.

Not one of my proudest moments. 

So we were fooling around and he just kept repeating "yeaa girl" "yeaaaaa girl". At first I didn't think much of it. But he just kept repeating it. 

over and over and over again. 

I mean, what the fuck dude? Do you think that's what girls want to hear? Or did you forget my name?

Even though replacing "girl" with my name is just as creepy. 

It got to the point where I was having to hold back from laughing. So for his sake I stopped him about halfway through and told him I was really tired. Figured he would get the hint. 

Next morning, I was awoken by him rubbing his crotch into my butt.

Clearly he did not get the hint the night before.

So I did what any normal girl would do, I told him I had to go to the bathroom and hid in my roommates bed until he left. 

The next time I saw him, he asked for my number.

Really? 

Where do these people come from and how do they find me?

men only have two faults: everything they say and everything they do.

It has come to my attention that either men are stupid or men think we are stupid. 

Alright, it's both. But in honor of me being well, a women i'll have to say that women are at least a little smarter. 

But sadly, not by much. 

Anyway... I have heard a lot of bull shit from men in my day. More than I care to ever hear in a lifetime. 

This one might be my favorite:

I was talking a guy once while in Vegas. We were having a fairly normal conversation. He was being flirtatious and I was making fun of him via sarcasm, which he of course wasn't catching onto. I noticed about halfway through the conversation that he had a wedding ring on. So I asked him how long he had been married. 

I watched as that little bit of brain he had was working overtime to figure out a lie that I would believe. Here is what he came up with...

"Oh, I'm not married I just put this on when I come to Vegas to avoid getting hit on". 

Go ahead and take a moment to laugh at that. Because I know I did after he said it.

Oh yes, because when a man comes to vegas he is just dying to pop on that wedding ring in order to avoid women. Makes total sense.

I mean, really? Of all the things he could have said, he chose that. 

Separated.

Going through a divorce. 

Widowed.

My fingers are too fat to get the ring off.

What are you talking about, there isn't a ring on my finger.

^ All the things that he could have said that I would have been more believable.

Best part, he was a lawyer. Clearly not a good one.

First of all dude, you aren't that good looking and I have a feeling there has never been a time in your life that you were beating women off with a stick. 

Second, you're a fucking idiot. 

Third, well...  I think my second point pretty much summed it all up. 

sex is like snow, you never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last.

Okay, I would first like to note that I am in fact on the pill. I am in no way ready to have a child. I can barely feed myself let alone some poor defenseless little baby. With that said......

Why do men assume you are always trying to trick them into impregnating you?

You even mention the word baby and they want to strap on a condom for the remainder of your conversation. And the entire time you are talking they have this dazed look on their face and seriously, i swear I see these little floating babies in their eyes. And not in the good way.

And seriously, you are in the middle of your "love making" (okay, I just threw up in my mouth) and you ask them not to pull out, you know so maybe you can both get off together (even though it has come to my attention that maybe that is too much of a commitment for them) and they look at your like you just told them you committed murder.

So then you lie there after and have this conversation:

W: You know, i'm on the pill right?
M: Ya, just figure I should do what I can for birth control
W: Which I appreciate I do, but I mean every once in awhile it's cool
M: I'm just not ready to have a baby
W: Whoa, who said anything about a baby?  I mean, you do know I actually take my pills right? I'm not trying to pull a fast one on you. 
M: (Awkwardly avoiding eye contact) Oh ya, I know...

It's like all the sudden too much eye contact is going to somehow get you pregnant.

But seriously, are there women out there who actually try to TRICK men into having babies? Cause I would like to meet them... and then punch them in the ovaries. Maybe that will teach them a lesson. But it's because of them I have guys giving me a complex about being some baby crazed psycho who is always trying to have a ton of babies.


I sometimes dream of what our world would be like if men were the ones who carried the babies.

Another reason why I know God is a man.

A smart man.

 If there is such a thing.