See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Douche Bag: |a| - someone who;; talks shit, starts shit, wont finish their shit, and the end of the day still thinks they own the universe.
closely related to;; Asshole. 
*Courtesy of Urban Dictionary.


I bet every person who read that envisioned someone they know. Man, makes my heart feel good. 


Okay, so I have little tolerance for men in general. Tack on someone who thinks he is God's gift to the earth and it pushes me that much further to carry a gun in my purse and personally take out every single one of those motherfuckers (sorry mom)


I feel like they should issue a warning for every douche you have to come in contact with. You know, like those signs for pregnant women not to drink for cause of birth defects. 


"Warning, coming in contact with a Douche might cause sudden rage, confusion and complete loss of hope in the male gender."


Come on, if you have to warn a pregnant chick not to consume alcohol, shouldn't we be warned as well?


I mean, it's only fair.


The worst part of it all is that every group of guys has at least one. Even though secretly we hope that this group of guys will be the one exception to the rule.


This is the only instance in life where there are NO EXCEPTIONS.


It doesn't take much to point out the douche of the pack. In case you haven't been educated, here are a few simple tips to spotting one from a mile away. 


and of course running in the opposite direction. 


1. The guy who never looks you in the eye when you are talking. Look, I know I'm short but is it really necessary for you to look over my head and into the crowd in the middle of our conversation? Especially when YOU asked ME a fucking question. 
2. If he has introduced himself to you more than twice. Don't act like you meet that many people that you don't remember meeting me the last 10 times we were out. Although, maybe it is easier for me to remember you considering the fact that you have worn that same shirt EVERY TIME I've seen you. 
3. If he talks about one of his sexual encounters and then tries to high five you after. First of all dude, do I look like one of your buddies. Second, you're an idiot.
4. If you walk into his bathroom and there is a stack of magazines sitting on the counter and the one on top is of a half naked woman. Last time I checked you weren't a prepubescent teenage boy in need of getting his jollies off in the bathroom. And seriously, it's called the internet. Tons of free porn on there. Google it. 
5. If a guy asks you to rate your hatred for him on a scale from 1-10. I already told you it was a 7. Calling me the next day to ask if that number has decreased only makes me want to raise it up. 


This list could go on and on.


Which saddens me deeply. 


Consider yourself warned. And please, feel free to print, laminate and carry around those tips in case you need a refresher. 


As I'm sure you will.