See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Douche Bag: |a| - someone who;; talks shit, starts shit, wont finish their shit, and the end of the day still thinks they own the universe.
closely related to;; Asshole. 
*Courtesy of Urban Dictionary.


I bet every person who read that envisioned someone they know. Man, makes my heart feel good. 


Okay, so I have little tolerance for men in general. Tack on someone who thinks he is God's gift to the earth and it pushes me that much further to carry a gun in my purse and personally take out every single one of those motherfuckers (sorry mom)


I feel like they should issue a warning for every douche you have to come in contact with. You know, like those signs for pregnant women not to drink for cause of birth defects. 


"Warning, coming in contact with a Douche might cause sudden rage, confusion and complete loss of hope in the male gender."


Come on, if you have to warn a pregnant chick not to consume alcohol, shouldn't we be warned as well?


I mean, it's only fair.


The worst part of it all is that every group of guys has at least one. Even though secretly we hope that this group of guys will be the one exception to the rule.


This is the only instance in life where there are NO EXCEPTIONS.


It doesn't take much to point out the douche of the pack. In case you haven't been educated, here are a few simple tips to spotting one from a mile away. 


and of course running in the opposite direction. 


1. The guy who never looks you in the eye when you are talking. Look, I know I'm short but is it really necessary for you to look over my head and into the crowd in the middle of our conversation? Especially when YOU asked ME a fucking question. 
2. If he has introduced himself to you more than twice. Don't act like you meet that many people that you don't remember meeting me the last 10 times we were out. Although, maybe it is easier for me to remember you considering the fact that you have worn that same shirt EVERY TIME I've seen you. 
3. If he talks about one of his sexual encounters and then tries to high five you after. First of all dude, do I look like one of your buddies. Second, you're an idiot.
4. If you walk into his bathroom and there is a stack of magazines sitting on the counter and the one on top is of a half naked woman. Last time I checked you weren't a prepubescent teenage boy in need of getting his jollies off in the bathroom. And seriously, it's called the internet. Tons of free porn on there. Google it. 
5. If a guy asks you to rate your hatred for him on a scale from 1-10. I already told you it was a 7. Calling me the next day to ask if that number has decreased only makes me want to raise it up. 


This list could go on and on.


Which saddens me deeply. 


Consider yourself warned. And please, feel free to print, laminate and carry around those tips in case you need a refresher. 


As I'm sure you will.

They keep saying the right person will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck.

I once hooked up with guy who laughed like a bird. Like, constricted neck, head tilted up, full on bird laugh.

Not one of my proudest moments. 

So we were fooling around and he just kept repeating "yeaa girl" "yeaaaaa girl". At first I didn't think much of it. But he just kept repeating it. 

over and over and over again. 

I mean, what the fuck dude? Do you think that's what girls want to hear? Or did you forget my name?

Even though replacing "girl" with my name is just as creepy. 

It got to the point where I was having to hold back from laughing. So for his sake I stopped him about halfway through and told him I was really tired. Figured he would get the hint. 

Next morning, I was awoken by him rubbing his crotch into my butt.

Clearly he did not get the hint the night before.

So I did what any normal girl would do, I told him I had to go to the bathroom and hid in my roommates bed until he left. 

The next time I saw him, he asked for my number.

Really? 

Where do these people come from and how do they find me?

men only have two faults: everything they say and everything they do.

It has come to my attention that either men are stupid or men think we are stupid. 

Alright, it's both. But in honor of me being well, a women i'll have to say that women are at least a little smarter. 

But sadly, not by much. 

Anyway... I have heard a lot of bull shit from men in my day. More than I care to ever hear in a lifetime. 

This one might be my favorite:

I was talking a guy once while in Vegas. We were having a fairly normal conversation. He was being flirtatious and I was making fun of him via sarcasm, which he of course wasn't catching onto. I noticed about halfway through the conversation that he had a wedding ring on. So I asked him how long he had been married. 

I watched as that little bit of brain he had was working overtime to figure out a lie that I would believe. Here is what he came up with...

"Oh, I'm not married I just put this on when I come to Vegas to avoid getting hit on". 

Go ahead and take a moment to laugh at that. Because I know I did after he said it.

Oh yes, because when a man comes to vegas he is just dying to pop on that wedding ring in order to avoid women. Makes total sense.

I mean, really? Of all the things he could have said, he chose that. 

Separated.

Going through a divorce. 

Widowed.

My fingers are too fat to get the ring off.

What are you talking about, there isn't a ring on my finger.

^ All the things that he could have said that I would have been more believable.

Best part, he was a lawyer. Clearly not a good one.

First of all dude, you aren't that good looking and I have a feeling there has never been a time in your life that you were beating women off with a stick. 

Second, you're a fucking idiot. 

Third, well...  I think my second point pretty much summed it all up. 

sex is like snow, you never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last.

Okay, I would first like to note that I am in fact on the pill. I am in no way ready to have a child. I can barely feed myself let alone some poor defenseless little baby. With that said......

Why do men assume you are always trying to trick them into impregnating you?

You even mention the word baby and they want to strap on a condom for the remainder of your conversation. And the entire time you are talking they have this dazed look on their face and seriously, i swear I see these little floating babies in their eyes. And not in the good way.

And seriously, you are in the middle of your "love making" (okay, I just threw up in my mouth) and you ask them not to pull out, you know so maybe you can both get off together (even though it has come to my attention that maybe that is too much of a commitment for them) and they look at your like you just told them you committed murder.

So then you lie there after and have this conversation:

W: You know, i'm on the pill right?
M: Ya, just figure I should do what I can for birth control
W: Which I appreciate I do, but I mean every once in awhile it's cool
M: I'm just not ready to have a baby
W: Whoa, who said anything about a baby?  I mean, you do know I actually take my pills right? I'm not trying to pull a fast one on you. 
M: (Awkwardly avoiding eye contact) Oh ya, I know...

It's like all the sudden too much eye contact is going to somehow get you pregnant.

But seriously, are there women out there who actually try to TRICK men into having babies? Cause I would like to meet them... and then punch them in the ovaries. Maybe that will teach them a lesson. But it's because of them I have guys giving me a complex about being some baby crazed psycho who is always trying to have a ton of babies.


I sometimes dream of what our world would be like if men were the ones who carried the babies.

Another reason why I know God is a man.

A smart man.

 If there is such a thing.

the more I see of men, the more I admire dogs.

I once walked into a party and they rated every girl as they walked in.

I scored an 8.39. Which was written in sharpie on my body.

It will forever be a mystery to me why women are insecure and have body image issues.

Clearly it isn't for reasons like that.

Oh and by the way, I totally deserved at least a 9.0. Thanks ass holes.